I need something. I feel sheepish about it. Almost embarrassed and ashamed. Constantly feeling like something needs to be let out or discovered. Not sure where the hesitation comes from. Hollow feeling that somehow still feels so dense. Weird contradiction. I love the strangeness that comes with enmeshed dichotomy. I feel like I should take a leap into something. I just need SOMETHING different. There’s some sort of hazy, burning ache inside and I’m wondering if this is part of the thing I’ve been trying to numb and ignore for so long.

My stress feels so palpable right now. I don’t feel like I have a *good* reason to feel stressed, but here I am. That’s an invalidating statement — I’m just feeling a bit burnt out right now. Work has been a lot these last two weeks. Not having Nick here…

I feel so anxious right now about everything. I guess this happens a lot when I encounter a lot of change in my life. It always seems to happen all at once too. I tend to self medicate a lot during times like these. …

I think I would still want to go to his pinning ceremony. That thought scares me, like why do I want to do this? Very first feeling is that I’m just really proud of him and I wanna be there for him. I think this means more to him than he leads on. But then again, why do I always assume I know what he’s feeling? Clearly I don’t. I’m afraid there might be manipulative motives behind this. What am I trying to prove here? What would this really do or change? Am I hoping this does or changes anything? Why do I want to do this?

Maybe it’s not that I wasn’t trustworthy enough. Trust requires the other person to make the decision to give it to you If it was ever a guarantee, we’d not even need trust to begin with, you’d just know I am mourning what the relationship wasn’t. And yet also what connection really was. What if I am making a mistake here? I wonder why I’m doubting myself I deserve to be loved And I don’t know if I really was

HELP. I had a big thought while I was pooping earlier (romantic, I know). And now I’m avoiding writing it down because I guess that makes it real? Plus I’m distracted, which honestly has been the case for me these last few weeks. I have been struggling, as much as…

My heart feels all congested lately. Stopped up. Gunky, like old crystallized honey. Like, still good and sweet I think, but just having a very hard time flowing. I’m trying not to feel bad and guilty about it (it’s strange how guilty I feel about not being able to love…

I’m sick of feeling guilty about the boundaries I place with you. I realize it’s my choice to feel this way. So I’m choosing to place stronger boundaries and embrace how empowering it feels. I have a few more things I need to get rid of, but I feel very…

He just always tries to do whatever is the most right. He’s so good. Definitely not perfect but that’s what makes him so good. Despite all the “imperfections” there’s still that strong internal moral compass and a willingness to do good. And like, that is such an important trait to…