Again

Here we are again. I’ve somehow found my way back into the deep work. I know I need this, my soul knows I need this. But holy fucking shit every single time I come back to this stuff I’m thrown right back into the discomfort and while I understand that that’s the entire point of this whole thing, I can’t help but feel frustrated and annoyed and icky. There’s so much resistance here, and while this feels familiar and navigable, I also know that this is going to come with change and destruction and creation and I can feel myself bracing for impact. Kind of like when someone has hit you in the past and the next time they raise their hand, you flinch or wince, waiting for the pain to come once again.

I want to find comfort in this discomfort. In a way, the familiarity is kind of comforting, like I know I’ve gone down this path before and while it was uncomfortable and grueling, it led to a lot of liberation and acceptance, so I know that those things are on their way and that seems to make this all worthwhile. But I also think it’s important to acknowledge how fucking gross I feel in this very moment. I don’t want to act like I’m not uncomfortable right now. I want to sit in this and not deny the truth of it.

My heart feels very heavy today. Tired, like if it had feet, they’d be dragging.

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Yesterday, I think a lot of the sediment settled after the stirring. The water is a little less murky this morning. I still feel pretty sensitive, but less “leaky”.

It felt like I was wearing my heart outside of myself yesterday, like it was just pouring out of my body and all up in my aura. I felt beyond naked all day yesterday. But I did survive.

Will and I had a good talk about my hesitation to bring him around my loved ones. I’m so glad he said something, because this is something I’ve always done, kept my partners away from my friends and family, and always being WILDLY uncomfortable when I do bring them around. I just started talking and talking and I quickly realized that I fear what the people I love think of my decisions. I don’t want to be seen in a worse light because of them, or worse, have people tell me they think my decisions are poor, because what do I do then? I guess this all stems from not trusting myself to do what’s best for me, and I think that hesitation comes from the way that I was raised. My thoughts and feelings and decisions always felt like they were up for ridicule, or at least, what felt like ridicule to me. I’ve always been super sensitive, more so when I was a kid