Anger

I have misunderstood this emotion for a really long time. What I thought was anger is actually just full-blown rage (something I’ve experienced time and time again). But I never considered “lesser forms”, the feelings of indignation, irritation, offense, being told no or to change something about myself or my work, being ignored or blown off by someone, being a “victim” to someone’s lack of awareness, that’s all anger too. My definition for it has been incomplete. And I’m starting to realize that I feel angry a lot. It’s similar to when you see a scared animal — their anger is not coming from a place of hatred or willingness to destroy, which is what I’ve always associated it with. Their anger comes from fear and self-protection. I do not want to get hurt, so I will lash out or just remove myself from something to avoid it. It’s a feeling I hold onto a lot. It often turns into blame and finger-pointing, so I don’t have to accept any responsibility for what I’m feeling and I can feel justified in feeling this way. Hell, I haven’t even wanted to take responsibility for having the emotion in the first place. I’ve never wanted to be seen as an “angry person”. My dad is an angry person. Honestly, my mom is too. I’ve never wanted to identify with those parts of them, because those were the parts that scared me the most as a kid. So I guess in turn I learned how to be afraid of my own anger? Trying to push it down or masquerade it as something else? This is definitely the emotion I am least comfortable with. But it’s also the one that keeps me in my fortress, stops me from reaching out and getting help, perpetuates this never-ending pattern. It’s funny because this is the side of Aries that I’ve never fully identified with. Reactive seems like an appropriate way to describe it.

These are both good articles to help refer back to when I’m struggling with this. Clearly I have a lot of repressed anger that hasn’t been fully processed.