Aware

It’s been bizarre to navigate through life with some sort of process for dealing with my emotions. I can’t believe I’ve gone through life as long as I have without something like this in place. To watch myself react and feel to things that happen to me, rather than getting so sucked into the situation that I feel powerless and out of control, has been life-changing.

I still struggle with determining what feels like intuition and what my mind tends to make up. Reminding myself that intuition usually comes in the form of peaceful, affirmative feelings and thoughts has been helpful, but it’s easy to get caught up in the drama of the stories my mind creates. It does feel good to be more gentle with myself as I try to figure out the difference between the two. Offering myself grace as I fumble around and try to figure myself out has been huge. Some days are still better than others, and some days I have to give myself a little extra encouragement, but in a way, those are my favorite days because I can practice actively loving myself and supporting my discrepancies and messiness with less judgment. My fear of the unknown is slowly diminishing — I’m beginning to trust that I will make the right decisions for myself, regardless of what is placed upon me. All I have to do is remain present and aware and kind and curious. Elijah once told me that I take myself way too seriously, and the more time that passes, the more that I feel he’s right.

I think realizing that being raised in the family I was born into has deeply affected my self-esteem and the way I choose to carry myself has been extremely eye-opening. Critically judging others by their actions (and sometimes looks) used to be my standard mode of operation as well, but I realize how that I am much happier when I actively try to not do those things. I tend to project a lot without realizing it, assuming that I know how people feel about me in an effort to protect myself. It’s a very lonely way to live, especially when you’re incorrect about it like 90% of the time. I don’t need to protect myself like this anymore. It’s irrelevant if someone makes certain assumptions about me, good or bad, based on the way that I carry myself or the way I look.

When you read this post in the future, just remember that dealing with these projections and battling with adopting them as your own thoughts is all part of your journey. You’ll struggle with this in some capacity your whole life. That’s why its important to make decisions that honor your ability to connect with yourself authentically and deeply, so that you know your decisions are being made from your absolute truth.

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Samantha Seaton

Just a lady (she/her) who thought she knew what she was doing, only to find she hadn’t even scratched the surface.