change

Change is so hard. Even if it’s of my own volition. Especially if it’s of my own volition. I knew this would come. And I’m sure I’m not done feeling everything yet.

I’m nervous about changing jobs. I’m nervous about making less money. I’m nervous about not being able to work as hard as I need to or stay as committed as I want to be to make whatever it is I’m doing work. Like, I have chosen to throw myself into the trenches. But, having things be easy didn’t work for me either. At least this is something I believe in and have more say over. Of course this is going to be hard for me. That means it’ll be worth it. I feel like if I don’t put myself into a position where I HAVE to figure it out, I’ll never really grow. I am smart. I am capable. I am really good at what I do. I am committed. I just need to lean into this. But, feeling scared and trying to process what’s coming up is really important too and I want to make sure I have space for that. You really can create the life you want. It’s like, so bizarre. We spend so much time not even fucking trying to do anything because we’re made to believe we can’t. It’s amazing how easy it is to dismantle the human spirit.

Nick just sent me a picture of where he’s at. It’s so beautiful there! I hate that the whole process of getting him out there was so stressful and messy, but I’m happy he finally made it and can get his schooling out of the way and get his promotion. I’m so proud of him. I hope he ends up enjoying himself out there. I mean, I of course want him to want to come home but I want the time he spends out there to be impactful for him. I’m pretty sure it will be, even if he doesn’t feel like it right now.

I have this weird growing fear that he’s going to like connect with someone out there deeply. And like, as I write that out it’s of course not a bad thing, but yet I still feel jealous of this non-existent thing. Wow I have got some serious shit going on inside me lol. I guess it’s normal, I think we always want to think the connection we have with people is special. And you know, I think all connections are unique in their own way. It’s important to remain open to that. You know, the more I think about it, the more I actually want him to find a connection with someone out there. Not romantically necessarily, but maybe someone can show him something about himself that he needs to see. I just really want this trip to be big for him.

I want to stay open to everything and be honest and upfront with him. I owe myself and also him that. I really want to get better at relationships. I feel like I’m capable of something so real and deep and like, I want to find that depth. It’s like an adventure!