Chaos

Do I find comfort in the chaos? Is that why I seem to constantly seek out opportunities to upend things when they get too quiet, boring? How much of this is me actually seeking to grow and expand and how much is this just me needing some kind of thrill?

I wouldn’t really consider myself to be an impulsive person. I mean, I can make impulsive decisions, but for the most part opportunities seem to come down the pipeline when I’m ready for them, so I jump. But then there’s this other part of me that tries to make something out of nothing like all the time. Like with Nick. He’s done nothing particular to elicit whatever is coming up for me around him and our relationship, but I still feel uneasy and nervous that I’m more in this than he is and I’m back to thinking of ways to cut and run. This is a cycle that just keeps repeating. And every time I always end up out the other side of it totally fine and happy with where we’re at, but it’s so frustrating that I have to keep talking myself off the ledge. I guess this arises from insecurity and shit from my childhood.

You know, a common “complaint” that I have with Nick is that he won’t just voluntarily share with me how he feels about things. But when I ask him about it, I can tell what he shares is very honest and real. I would love for him to just offer that up without me initiating it, but that’s just simply not how he is. So then the question for me is, is that so crucial that I’d be willing to throw away the entire relationship because of it? As I’m typing this out now, that seems ridiculous. I’m glad I’m even at a place in my life now to take a step back and ask myself these questions before I have a chance to make a dumb choice. Or rather, a choice that would be made unconsciously.

I keep thinking about asking him to move in with me. I would like to be more clear on WHY I want to do this (it’s because I love him). But what’s even WILDER is that I’m even CONSIDERING this. After Zach moved out last year, I found a peace and relief here that I’ve never known before. I swore to never live with another person ever again lol. But like I think I really want to do this. And, if he ends up leaving and I decide to go with him, it would be really good to know ahead of time whether or not we can stand to live together. And I think it would bring this relationship to the next level. I think this would be good to talk about, I’m curious to see what he thinks about it. Obviously we would wait until his lease is up, so starting to talk about it now might be the right time. Honestly at this point I’m just curious to see how it would work out. We’re both financially secure enough that this can purely be a choice based out of want and not need. This seems like a good test of compatibility. The more I think about this, the more this makes sense.

Make the choice to be vulnerable.