I feel very strongly about empowering people and helping them understand that they actually have more power over their lives than they realize. I also feel strongly around letting people just be how they are and letting them be in what they’re feeling and letting that just flow through. I think this resonates so strongly with me because I have felt powerless and unseen for such a long time. I didn’t realize I could feel another way. This didn’t happen overnight, this took a long time and a lot of work around contacting my shadow and learning to be okay with it. It’s so fucking hard to do. But when you decide you’ve had enough of feeling like shit and that there’s no reason in being here and that it’ll never get better, you’ll see no other choice but to change.
I think it’s incredible that my gallbladder has not been bothering me nearly as much lately. Honestly, the pain really alleviated right around the time I decided to quit my job (well, both of them). And I wouldn’t say that my diet has changed that much, although I know that obviously has an effect on it. But it’s just so interesting how in TCM, the gallbladder is connected to decision-making, judgment, courage to act. I’d have to say that quitting my job aligns with exactly that.
I’m continuing to feel some guilt around leaving. There’s a lot of loose ends that still need tying up and I’m dreading doing it. Of course there’s a part of me that is worried about what people will think (namely Joe King) and it’s exhausting feeling like I need to stand up for myself. Although, I also don’t know how anyone is actually going to react. I’m making a lot of assumptions here. I really just want this week and a half to be over with. I’m ready to cut ties and move on. I felt similarly about the Cave right before I left. I do this, stay longer for the benefit of others. It usually seems like the right thing to do at the time, I feel as if my leaving is already going to cause some turmoil for the thing (or person) I’m looking to separate from, so I compromise for their benefit. In fact, this has always been the case for me. That’s so interesting. Is this the best thing to do? I mean, in doing so I make sure I don’t burn any bridges. And it’s not like I’ve ever been in a situation SO horrible that doing so has been a detriment to myself. Maybe it’s just important to consciously recognize that I am not doing this for myself, I am doing this for others. So when I get angry or frustrated or impatient, know that I made this decision and this isn’t at the fault of anyone but myself. Knowing that I made that decision, and that I did it for others makes it easier to stomach.
I have no idea what’s in store for me once I make this separation. I feel like it will be a lot of improvising and staying with myself and what I want and need and it’ll be a whole new way of operating. I’ll probably struggle. I’m sure I’ll have days where I question if what I did was the right decision. But I didn’t choose this path because I thought it would be easier. I chose this because my heart wants this.