Heart

My heart feels all congested lately.

Stopped up.

Gunky, like old crystallized honey. Like, still good and sweet I think, but just having a very hard time flowing.

I’m trying not to feel bad and guilty about it (it’s strange how guilty I feel about not being able to love people fully, like I’m more worried about them than I am me. Like this really affects them nearly as much as it does me.)

I’m curious about what’s going on. I feel like something is wrong with me, like I’m broken. I’m scared I’ll never be okay again. I find myself trying SO hard to get back to that good place and I just can’t reach it. I miss it so bad. It’s very lonely on this plane. I wonder where all this anger, frustration, judgment, annoyance, and negativity is coming from. Why do I feel so hateful towards the people I typically love and welcome with open arms?

my energy does feel depleted. I don’t feel very “good” right now. And when I don’t feel “good” I don’t feel like I deserve to have good around me. Like I have to be good to deserve love. Which is why no one can ever find out that I’m not nearly as good as they think I am. If they know the truth, they won’t love me anymore. I feel so guilty when I feel negatively towards others. I want to love others because it makes me feel good and also makes them feel good. It’s both selfish and altruistic. What I’m going through right now feels significant even if I can’t see the reason or outcome quite yet. This part is always the fucking hardest — being in the shit but not seeing the purpose or reason for it. It’s so frustrating and maddening and yet this is like, the GOOD SHIT. I’m right in the fucking middle of when the magic starts to happen. I don’t even KNOW what’s about to come but I can trust that it’ll be what needs to happen. I will be okay. I always am. Fighting it doesn’t work, and I don’t have any energy left for it anyway. All I can do is accept and pay attention. Which sounds so goddamn easy when you say it but in practice it can be absolutely agonizing.

The more gentle I am with myself, the more gentle I can be with others. I just gotta remember to breathe.

I feel better spinning all of this out. Plus I just summarized and word vomited this on Nick which feels good to at least put this in front of another human being who I know sees me and understands me. I think he can see the good parts of me better than I can a lot of days. You can’t put a price on that shit.

I’m grateful for the ability to be able to sit down and just put all these thoughts down somewhere. Even just typing these words gives me some sort of organization and release. A lot of stuck energy is getting moved, I can feel it. Words are SO POWERFUL. HOW THE FUCK. COMMUNICATION IS DOPE.

I need to take a moment and just express how grateful I am for myself. The decisions I’ve made, my ability to hear myself and be able to discern what’s really me and what’s just been instilled into me. I am patient, committed, passionate, full of gratitude and compassion, sssssssssssssssssss — a snake apparently, loving, gracious, intentional, thoughtful, kind. Reflective, aware, powerful, effervescent, and possess the unique ability to both set shit aflame and put the fire out. Or rather, control the burn.