I don’t even know where to begin.
I’m so tired. I’m tired of feeling this way and feeling stuck and dependent on things outside of myself. I’m tired of the inconsistency. I’m tired of not being able to accept things as they are and always constantly fighting and creating issues where there probably aren’t any. Doesn’t my brain realize that it’s doing it to itself? It’s so hard to remember that my thoughts and feelings are not actually me when I get into this headspace. I am feeling and thinking all these things today, but I am not these things. And it’s okay to feel this way and I don’t always have to be so strong or have my shit together, even though something inside of me feels like I absolutely have to. I always struggle the most in these limbo states, right at the edge of potential major change. It’s the anticipation that fucking gets me, you know? I like to prepare. I can’t prepare if I don’t know what to expect. It’s hard for me to just accept and go with it. I don’t like to be messy. Don’t like to be caught off guard.
What if I just let myself be messy? I did that in the Cave on Monday and that felt good. I was a little embarrassed, but it was still therapeutic. I wish it wasn’t such an ordeal for me to become vulnerable. I spend so much time and energy holding everything in and blocking everyone out and it’s like not working anymore. I put pressure on myself to keep doing better and better, which is actually a really good thing until I use that thought process to beat myself up and tear myself down. Which is doing the exact OPPOSITE of what I’m wanting myself to do! Don’t I see the irony in that??
I’ve noticed that my breaths are getting much more shallow lately. I find myself barely inhaling anymore. Like, when I actually pay attention to it, I start to worry because how on earth am I able to survive when I don’t intake enough oxygen? Is it always like this? Or am I only noticing when it starts to get shallow? I can tell when I’m not in my body. I wish to be more in my body.
I’m worried that switching jobs won’t make me happy. I mean, I know and understand and accept that nothing outside of myself will ever fulfill me, it has to come from within. But I can very clearly see that my values do not align with what I’m doing right now. And its making it so hard to find motivation. I am an absolute powerhouse when I believe and love what I’m doing. I struggle when I hit roadblocks. I let self doubt and frustration with myself and others hold me back. But to have something that I care about and believe in to keep returning to, I’m realizing that is where I can stay committed. I’m seeing this very clearly with Nick. I’ve never wanted to commit myself to someone quite like this before. And like, it’s not just to him. I am committing to looking towards myself and working on the parts of me that are broken. But this person makes me want to do that. Or rather, I am so committed to maintaining and growing this connection that I want to continuously look inward to make sure I’m approaching this as authentically as I can. I am also so scared that this isn’t real, or that it’s only one-sided. I don’t have any real basis for that fear. I am a direct person, and he is not so much. I know that if I ask, I’ll receive confirmation. But there’s always part of me that’s scared and doesn’t know if it can trust that confirmation. But again, I have no basis to actually be afraid. I have far more evidence pointing to that he actually wants to be with me than not. Part of me feels guilty even doubting. This is such uncharted territory for me. I know he cares about me, he just shows it differently than I do. I have to let go of the idea that my way is the only way to do things.
I have never felt this way about anyone before. What if I hadn’t trusted myself and married Zach anyway? If this isn’t proof that I should trust myself, I don’t know what is.