How am I living?

I feel like I’m living inconsistently. I ebb and flow between living the way I want to, in a way that feels whole and rich and I can just feel the love flowing through me, and then I end up making choices that end up removing me from that space. I’d like to catch myself in those decision making moments, dig deeper into the thought process behind allowing myself to slack off, feeling like I deserve a “break” when really just doing what would help me fulfill my purpose would sustain me and help me grow more than anything. It’s almost like I like the fluctuation, like it keeps things interesting? Gives me something to work towards in a way. I wonder if I’m trying to distract myself from something by making my life more “interesting”. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just sit and do absolutely nothing for like 30 minutes. Which is WILD because I literally can do that at any point. I won’t die from doing it, so what is keeping me from doing it? Maybe that could be part of my practice, just sitting and being for that period of time and watch what comes up. When it’s over, I spend 10 minutes or so just writing about the experience, how I felt, what came up, etc.

I have a habit of trying to change everything all at once. It tends to be overwhelming and I usually end up doing it for like a day or two before I decide it’s too hard, too uncomfortable, and not worth the struggle. I think it would be helpful to incorporate small, slow changes into my routine, while creating some sort of structure for myself. However, I don’t want it to be too restrictive, because….I am drawing a blank. There’s some sort of resistance here. What’s wrong with imposing stricter rules upon myself? I guess if they’re too strict and I don’t adhere to them, I end up beating myself up or thinking “fuck it, I can’t do this so I’m just going to throw the whole thing out.” I want to avoid putting unnecessary restrictions on myself because I don’t think it helps. If anything it just gives me an excuse to avoid doing it. So what does the appropriate amount of structure look like for me? I don’t want to do too much, and I don’t want to do too little.

I enjoy journaling like this. There’s no pressure of making it look good, or have it make sense because no one’s going to read this. It’s nice to just let it all go and see what comes up. I miss my dad I think. I just got emotional. I want to heal this wound but I’m afraid to approach it and come in full contact with it. It’s extremely painful and there’s a lot of layers to this pain. Even if I don’t approach him any time soon, I would like to actively work on this in some form or fashion, so when I do, I can feel secure and centered for that conversation. I want to let go of expectations, of attachments to ideals that I place onto people. I wouldn’t want someone to only love me conditionally, or only if I meet certain expectations that I’m totally unaware of, so why would I put this on others?

I can feel myself very clearly, like my energy. It’s pulsating from me, like I’m actually extremely aware of my aura right now. It feels good to be aware of this energy field. I think doing things like this and really getting to know and feel myself more, be more connected with myself, will make me want to take better care of myself. It’s kinda like how when you watch things on the news about what’s going on on the other side of the country, to other people that you don’t know personally. You can feel empathy for it, maybe donate some money and share about it on social media to raise awareness, but then you can detach and just move on with the rest of your day. Because we feel disconnected to the situation at hand. But, when you come in contact with it, when it’s happening in your own backyard and you have to deal with it, it suddenly becomes more imperative to do something worthwhile when you can’t get away from it. So, I think that by becoming more connected with myself physically, emotionally, energetically, I’ll naturally want to do things that are better for me in the long run. This includes eating well, drinking less, exercising, teaching myself a new hobby that I enjoy (piano), doing things that are adding to my life, rather than leaving it stagnant. I’ll feel more apt to take care of things as they arise, rather than kicking that can down the road because i know that will only cause more suffering. And why would I want to cause myself more suffering? I love me! I want to do what I can to make my life better. So I owe it to myself to pay more attention to when the choices I make don’t align with that, because that does not align with my highest Self. I know that for a fact. So maybe this is where I start. Constantly asking myself the question, “is this improving my life?” Maybe that’s still too broad of a question. What does improving my life look like? I don’t think the answers to that question are always the same either. I guess this falls back into feeling more connected to myself and having that awareness around what I really need in that very moment.

I like spending time with Nick. There’s something very familiar and easy about him, and I don’t feel afraid to be honest or myself around him. Not only because I don’t think there’s any judgment, but because if there IS any judgment and he decides to leave, I’m okay with that too. I want to keep making decisions that are best for who I really am. I also want to make sure to remain in my center as well, as best I can. I think I’m starting to understand what it feels like when I’m no longer there, and can find ways to get back there. Sometimes it takes a minute to recognize that I’m off-center, but I am getting better at it.

I would like to be more honest with myself. I tend to try to bend the truth to justify the things I do or the decisions I make so I don’t feel so bad about them. But even when being honest with myself, I don’t have to feel bad about it. I’m only human, as is everyone around me. Having that humility and vulnerability is what makes the relationships I have in my life that much more rich. Why wouldn’t I always choose this? I’m going to take a break to get dinner started and finish my laundry. I promise to come back and finish up what I feel needs to come out.

It’s so funny, as I was making dinner and “taking care of business” I had this thought that was like “okay sure, you’re doing this now, but this will probably end up being a thing that you do once and get excited about and then it’ll fall off” and like, how has the negative self talk ALREADY started? I’m setting myself up for failure before I’ve really even begun?? Where does that come from? I absolutely could always do this, I just have chosen not to. All I have to do is to keep choosing to do so.

So, what spiritual practices should I try to adopt? I’d like to start each morning doing either qigong, tai chi, or yoga. I think doing body movements is going to be crucial in keeping me connected with myself and my energy. I would like to continue doing Sufi practices — I usually meander through the options on the Google Drive and click one that I’m drawn to — it usually ends up being something I need for that day. And, to help hone my creative side, which feels like it needs much cultivation, I’d like to set aside time to either journal or practice piano.

Okay hold on, does wanting to give myself options defeat the purpose? Should I just focus on one thing to do every day? I think I want to give myself options so I can pick what I want to do that day. It feels more like a choice and less like a thing I have to do, if that makes sense. It’s kind of like eating — I’m going to do it regardless, so I might as well pick something that speaks to me in that moment. Omg I’m setting it up this way so I don’t get bored, which is like the whole fucking point of this. Okay, I will stick to the qigong, because I know I have videos to support it and it’s something I know works in terms of connecting me with my body better. Let’s commit to doing at least 10 minutes of it every day. I’d also like to do at least one Sufi practice each day. Does it need to be the same one? Probably. And lastly, I’d like to incorporate a creative practice. I’m hesitant to pick piano, which means I should probably do that one. I can journal whenever I see fit. Can I commit a half an hour to playing the piano each day?