I feel so anxious right now about everything.

I guess this happens a lot when I encounter a lot of change in my life. It always seems to happen all at once too.

I tend to self medicate a lot during times like these. Which ultimately makes me feel worse in the long run.

Clearly I’m avoiding feeling some ways. I don’t like feeling inadequate or out of control. It’s so hard for me to see any other way to feel or think when I get in this headspace. And it’s like a self fulfilling prophecy every time I do get in my head like this. How can I shift this energy? Or can I just let myself ride this wave and be okay with feeling like this. How do I accept it and also not feel like I’m dogshit? I know I’m not dogshit deep down, but man these negative thoughts make it really hard to fully believe that. It’s like a form of self sabotage. Why do I do this to myself?

Hold on lemme try something. I am garbage. I can’t pick up or understand anything. I’m so awkward to talk to and I have a hard time understanding what people are trying to say to me, but I’m also too afraid to ask for clarification because I don’t wanna look like idk what I’m talking about. I like to avoid situations that put me in contact with this feeling like the plague. I hate not knowing what’s going on and I doubt my ability to navigate situations like this. I wonder how I even made it this far, or what I’m doing here now.

This is what’s running through my head constantly lately. It’s so hard to stop this inner dialogue. I can see all my own flaws but idk how to be better or even be okay with them. Everyone has them, why am I so special I have to be above that? Can’t I just suck at something for a little bit and try to learn from it? I’m not gonna get fired, I may not even have to stay in this position if I don’t want to. I’ll be okay.

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Samantha Seaton

Just a lady (she/her) who thought she knew what she was doing, only to find she hadn’t even scratched the surface.