My stress feels so palpable right now. I don’t feel like I have a *good* reason to feel stressed, but here I am. That’s an invalidating statement — I’m just feeling a bit burnt out right now. Work has been a lot these last two weeks. Not having Nick here has added some stress to being at home — taking care of the house and the babies alone is a lot. I used to do this all alone (granted I didn’t have Kaiser). How did I do this before? I guess through self-medicating. I haven’t had a drink since Saturday afternoon, which is pretty big for me on a Thursday. I can feel constriction in my chest. I wanna dive into this, figure out what’s going on. But maybe it’s okay to just feel it and leave it at that? I haven’t had much time to sit and process how I’m feeling. I feel like such a broken record when I say that. I feel tired. Lonely? I just want to rest. Even playing a game feels like work at the moment. I have more I need to do today — laundry, make dinner, talk to Tim and Rachel. Why does this feel so exhausting to me today? I could reschedule my call with Tim today. He would understand. That would alleviate some of my stress. Maybe we could talk tomorrow or Saturday? I’ll check with him and see where he’s at. I just messaged him — we’ll see when he’s free. That feels a little better to me right now. I need to call my grandfather and thank him for the money and also catch up. I feel like I’m just stuck in task-completion mode. Is this a form of addiction? Probably right? If there’s a dopamine rush every time I do a thing? Maybe that’s part of why Disco Elysium is feeling so exhausting to me right now. I just have so much to do. Tim is good to do Saturday. There’s a little guilt there, but also relief. I have some time to myself tonight. I still need to cook and do laundry, but those are managable. I just need to breathe and feel and just be. Overstimulated for sure. Phew. Okay. I wonder if this is one of the reasons why I drink and smoke weed? I feel weird that I’ve picked up a nicotine addiction in an effort to wean myself off the other two. Definitely not the healthiest decision, but it’s a step in the right direction I think. One step at a time. I just want to breathe.
I’m okay. I don’t need to always be “doing”. I have time. Do what you need to do, but don’t put so much pressure on yourself. And if doesn’t get done, that’s okay too. Although, you do need clean clothes to wear :)