love

I’m blown away by it and how strong it can be.

And like, not even just love for another person or for a thing or an idea. Just love itself. Like no wonder there’s been so much art made in celebration of it. What an incredible gorgeous thing human beings are capable of. I feel like the existence of love is proof that humans are inherently “good”, whatever that really means.

I saw Nick cry for the first time last night. I was laying in his lap while we were watching the end of MGS4 and I heard and felt his breathing patterns change and him sniffling and I was so caught off guard by it. For someone who is so averse to really feeling his own emotions, it was beautiful to watch this piece of art touch him so deeply that it brought him to tears. It was such a fucking gift to witness and I’m so happy I got to experience that with him. I know he wouldn’t have allowed himself to get to that place if he hadn’t been drinking, but I know whatever he was contacting was very real. He’s such an honest and good person. It’s amazing to be so touched by this person and who he is — I can say with utmost certainty that I’ve never felt like this about another human being.

I’m so in love with him and I am going to miss him like fucking crazy while he’s gone. It’s nice that there’s not really any fear behind this, this is just a pure ache of missing someone’s presence. It feels very familiar as I experienced this feeling a lot when I was a kid. I’m comfortable with the idea of encountering this wound and willing to put myself in this space. It feels so worth it.

I meant what I said to him yesterday, that I would definitely marry him (or whatever variation of that that would work for the both of us). I totally understand his reasonings for not being on board with the concept, and actually agree with a lot of what he said. These have always been my issues with the institution as it exists in our society. But, from an emotional aspect, I would absolutely be willing to set aside time for us to privately but outwardly make a commitment to each other. No big party (never something I was ever really into to begin with), no huge ceremony, no weird government stuff getting in the way. Just two people choosing each other and declaring it out loud in a sacred setting. I can’t think of anything more perfect, honestly.

I still struggle sometimes believing this is real lol. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but maybe there’s nothing that should be “done” to deserve something like this. I think love is our birthright as human beings.