I had a big thought while I was pooping earlier (romantic, I know).
And now I’m avoiding writing it down because I guess that makes it real? Plus I’m distracted, which honestly has been the case for me these last few weeks. I have been struggling, as much as I don’t want to admit that I have been. I always want to just have my shit together. I don’t want help from anybody, I want to be able to just get by all by myself. That’s kind of what I’ve always been taught, you better learn how to depend on yourself because you can’t depend on other people. Both of my parents lived (and still continue to live) by that mantra. I never really considered that maybe that wasn’t the healthiest way to be.
It’s scary to trust other people. To put any sort of power into their hands. I’ve always been very good at befriending many people but always keeping them at a distance where I can cut and run and be completely fine if it came down to it. Which maybe is why I have a tendency to focus on people’s negative traits sometimes and want to distance myself from them and judge, rather than choose to connect with and empathize with what they’re going through, because GUESS WHAT I’m not perfect either. I’m uncomfortable with these parts of myself, so when I see them arise in other people I want to run away because that’s not what I want to associate myself with. But, these parts are always in me whether I like it or not, and to learn how to accept and even embrace these very human traits is the key to liberation. I’ve done it before, which might be why this is so confusing and difficult for me now because there’s that part of me that’s like “we already did this work we don’t need to do this again”, but in actuality we’re ALWAYS going to be doing this work and this is yet another opportunity for growth.
I threw myself into some pretty big changes this past month and it’s been messy but very rich. Lots of old patterning coming up (and of course it is, when you go through big changes you’re naturally going to fall back on your default). The difference this time around is that I’m very aware of all of this stuff coming up and so, not only am I suffering because I’m in my old patterns that has caused suffering my entire life, but now I’m AWARE of it and just like watching it happen and wondering how in the fuck I lost control. But, this mindset and thought process is exactly my old patterning, judgment around not having my shit together and not being perfect and happy and loving and full of light and rainbows and all that other bullshit that we think we have to be 100% of the time or something is wrong and broken with us. It is SO hard to just be okay with not being okay and being human and messy and angry and sad and even after doing this work again and again it honestly doesn’t get that much easier? But, I do think that you get better at doing it, and there’s a lot to be said for that. To be aware of how I can be and to want to be different and better is really kind of a beautiful thing and something that I am grateful for. This desire to grow and be a better person is a double-sided coin — I have the drive and passion to do this sort of work but I also can be very hard on myself if I don’t meet my own expectations. Which is silly because like, I don’t have to meet anyone’s expectations but my own, and I don’t need to set the bar so damn high that I’m destined to fail. I love to punish myself for seemingly no reason at all. It’s so exhausting. I don’t like being so severe towards myself and others. I know when I’m in that headspace I am not in my highest place but like I’ve known that the last few weeks and have tried like hell to get out of it but like, it doesn’t work that way. You have to just like BE IN IT and accept that’s what’s happening and that’s SO HARD. To be aware of it the entire time as opposed to figuring out what’s going on like halfway through is agonizing. But that’s just the part of me that wants to have all the answers and know exactly what’s going on and be perfect and all that stuff.
Okay so now for the reason I really wanted to journal all this stuff out. Wow, everything else up there flowed out so easily but this little bit is very difficult. I don’t want to put this on paper for whatever reason? That’s so interesting. Part of me wonders because it’s not true, but I know that that’s not the case. That’s confusing, what I really mean to say is that it IS true, and that’s probably why I’m avoiding voicing it because FUCK what does this mean?
I need Nick. And not even like in a “if we’re not together I will die” sort of way. But like, I need this person in my life. I need for him to see me and I need to see him and without him yeah I’d survive but I think I need him to like thrive. He’s not so much like water, food, or air, but more like nature, tasty food, music, good video games — things that are beautiful and sure I could live without them but it wouldn’t be a life worth living.
I’ve prided myself for a long time around not needing people. I’ve always been extremely independent and can take care of myself and while that’s all fine and good it’s also super lonely and it always feels like there’s something missing. To be vulnerable and real with people is like, the worst lol. Except it’s not really, and when I do it it feels like it’s usually met with pure love.
To feel like I need anybody is extremely terrifying. And I say I need Nick, and that’s true, but he’s not the only person I need. Or want to need? How do I need a person without putting too much power in their hands? How do I need someone without losing myself in the relationship, depending on them for my happiness? Sometimes I think I’m too broken to be around people. So afraid to hurt them, to be hurt. It feels safer to keep myself at a distance. But like, what’s the fucking point in that?
Is this why I keep attracting Libras into my life? I can’t think of a sign that embodies the idea of being in relationship with others more. It’s no coincidence that it’s my sister sign.