Sacrifice

In the midst of all these changes coming my way, I need to figure out what I’m willing to sacrifice. It’s so hard to want to make a decision right now considering I’m waiting on something outside of myself to happen. I have financial responsibilities that I can negotiate but only up until a certain point. I’m stuck between what I want to do and what I need to do. What will make me happy in the long run? How can any one ever answer that question? I don’t need a ton of creature comforts to be happy, but I also don’t want live off next to nothing either. I have to believe there’s a way to do something that is fulfilling, that helps me grow and brings me closer to this person that I’m trying to become, and also supports me in a way that allows me to live a life that I enjoy, with little stress. Not having money is a big stressor. And working multiple jobs just to make the ends meet, no matter how much I enjoy those jobs, would ultimately cause me to resent them and the choices I made. I feel like I’ve struggled for so long, that now that I’m more financially comfortable, I have an extremely hard time wanting to go back to that place.

I need and want to stay in this house. I also want to do things to help improve this space a little bit more. And for that, I need money and/or time. If I’m working 50–60 hours a week for less than $15/hour, I’m not going to have either. I also need money and time to enjoy doing the things that I want to do, like traveling and experiencing things. I don’t mind working hard, in fact, I love it when it’s something I believe in. But I also know what I’m worth and my value and neither of these places can actually pay me what I’m truly worth to the business. While I understand that Nicole would need to cut my hourly rate if I’m working more hours, it honestly feels a little disrespectful in a way. I guess if I’m not doing as much or as invested in the business, that would make sense. But if I’m expected to put as much of myself in to the business as I have been, then this pay is not fair.

I hope I hear good news back from Canopy. I really felt like the interview went super well. Of course, there could be other applicants that also did a really great job. But I do felt like there was a vibe that I really appreciated about the people that work there. I love the idea of collaboration, of working towards a single common goal as opposed to this extremely broad thing trying to be accomplished through an infinite number of means. I feel like there is solid direction here, with opportunities to be creative in getting to that end goal.

If Canopy doesn’t work out, I will definitely be disappointed but also okay. I know I am itching to leave the job I’m at now, but it’s not like things are SO bad. I can stay a little longer and wait for something else to pop up. I imagine there’s some sort of lesson here in patience and discipline. Like this fucking online EB course — I have GOT to get this thing completed soon. Even if I do leave, I need to get this done, just for my own self. I gotta finish what I started, even if I never wanted to start this thing to begin with.

I’m not going to quit my job now. If I do, anything that comes down the pipeline will be met with desperation, which is never a place I want to operate from. And since I have bills to pay, this is pretty non-negotiable at the moment.

I am getting excited about nearing the end of my breathwork certification. I feel like that has really picked up these last few weeks and I’m feeling good around it all. While I don’t ever see it being my sole source of income, or even a stable side source of income, it is a way for me to learn more about myself, help others, and also receive something in return for my time and talents. I don’t think I ever want breathwork to be something I do for money. That seems counterintuitive and a very inauthentic way to approach the work. But I’m happy to have this as a skill that is fulfilling in so many different ways. And who knows, maybe one day breathwork will become the hot new thing, and I’ll have so many clients that I’ll HAVE to quit whatever job I’m in lol. Wouldn’t that be wild???

I wonder if this potential opportunity to leave and do something different is making it even harder to do my normal jobs. Instinct is telling me yes. That seems unhealthy, or like I’m missing something here. I feel like there’s a lesson but I’m not seeing it. I struggle with discipline. Here I am journaling instead of working on this thing that has a nearing due date. Avoidance. I know what I need to do, so why don’t I just do it? There’s a lot of times where I’m actively avoiding something, like potential confrontation, failure, pain, etc. But this thing I just really don’t want to fucking do. I don’t even care if it’s good at this point? Well maybe that’s not true, I take pride in everything I do. But this just seems so unimportant. I’m also avoiding things that I’ve previously enjoyed too, like the DEI work. That comes from worrying about starting something I’m afraid I won’t be able to finish. That work is much more personal and there is no due date on that.

I guess what I need to do is sit, wait, be patient, and continue to work. Stop thinking about the ifs ands and buts. Take what I can learn from at this very moment and take what comes when it’s ready to show itself. Focus on the here and now instead of the maybe and later.

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Samantha Seaton

Just a lady (she/her) who thought she knew what she was doing, only to find she hadn’t even scratched the surface.