Shaman

I experienced something pretty cool yesterday.

I attended a meditation circle at the Cave. Nicole invited this woman she met a few months ago, Michelle, to lead. I feel like I’ve met Michelle before, but I couldn’t tell you where. Something about her energy just felt so familiar. Anyway, you can really tell she believes in what she does. It’s inspiring to see, because I doubt myself constantly when it comes to this stuff. Like I’m afraid to own it in front of someone who may not understand. What if they think I’m crazy? What if they’re right?

During our meditation circle, Michelle banged a drum that lead us to a mountain. It’s strange, the mountain I approached was the same one I saw in a shamanic journey I took a few months ago, only that time I was very far away from it. I was told that I wasn’t ready to approach it yet. I guess I was ready yesterday.

I walked up to the mountain and approached this old, wooden door. It looked like something out of Skyrim or some other video game world of which I’d been sucked into as a kid. It had these designs on it that kept shifting and changing. I think I saw the symbol of the goddess of wisdom Naryu from Legend of Zelda on it at some point. I looked down at the door handle — it looked like one of those cheap “crystal” handles you see in Old Louisville style houses built a hundred years ago. I pulled open the door and walked inside. At first I couldn’t see the walls of the cave I had entered, just the warm red-orange glow from hanging torches. As I started to follow the torches and eyes adjusted, I realized that I was walking in a salt cave. I descended a spiral staircase and walked into this room with a small stream running on the left side. At the end of the stream was a small pool, and next to this pool was a decent-sized fire.

Tending the fire was a hovered over, hooded figure. I immediately wondered if it was Will, but realized that that wouldn’t be right. Old memories of us being around the fire down at Lake Cumberland started to muddy the vision, and I focused a little harder. I realized the hooded figure was actually a woman wearing crow feathers and had black war paint across her eyes and down her cheeks, sharply pointed down like the wingtips of a barn swallow. She was hard for me to look at at first. She asked me to summon up my inner maiden, the me I was when I was 3–4 years old. We placed our foreheads together, and I think I overshot it and brought 5–6 year old Sam, but regardless, it was strange to meet her. Almost like we were uncomfortable to be around each other, like we didn’t want to rub the other one the wrong way. But she also looked at me with this innocent knowing that I’ve never seen before. Michelle’s drumming was getting mini Sam so hyped. She was dancing around, spinning, no care in the world, trusting that her dancing wouldn’t hurt herself or anyone else. Then, a doe walked up with an amethyst stone and chickweed and gave them to little Sam. She’s holding one in each hand (which, come to think of it, was what I was doing during the meditation). I decided to pick little me up and place her on the back of the deer. She looked so happy and so comfortable up there. Not overly excited, not bored, but just truly content. Like that’s where she was supposed to have been this whole time.

At this point, Michelle’s drumming sped up (or did it?) and my vision started moving quicker, like someone hit the 1.5x fast forward button. Suddenly everyone was facing me, and I asked what I’m supposed to be doing out here, what’s my purpose? Little me started to talk, and I almost couldn’t make out what she was saying. It felt like the more I tried to focus on what she was saying, the less I could understand. So I sat back, trusting that it would make itself heard, and sure enough, “you are here to help people step into their power and know themselves” came out of her mouth. Before I could disagree, she then said “but first you have to know yourself and your power”. Ah yes, but of course.

I snuggled with little baby me for the last time before coming back into the cave. I moved my head back from the crow woman, and upon further examination, I realized that this woman was an older version of myself. First it was the eyes, then the insanely beautiful fucking earrings she was wearing that made me realize that this was my wise one. I said goodbye to her, and told her I’d be back, to which she replied “I know”. There was a part of me that was scared to go, afraid of what might happen if I didn’t come back.

I feel like there’s so much to this that I’ve yet to understand. I feel less alone than I did before the session, that’s for sure. Maybe it’s because I finally realize how not alone I really am.