There is a lot of turmoil going on in here right now.

I both can’t believe and totally expected how incredible Saturday was. I find myself wary of using language like “incredible” already, but there is something here that I’ve not quite experienced before. I have been paying close attention to the feelings that have arisen around this person since the first time we met almost 6 months ago. Admittedly, I was a bit worried before meeting with him on Saturday that I had created something unrealistic and inaccurate in my head, but everything about Saturday felt so natural. Not once did I feel uncomfortable or awkward by anything he said or did. There was one moment where I thought I picked up on something, but immediately after that he told me he wanted to kiss me, so that’s probably what I was sensing.

I am witnessing and laughing at the part of myself that wants to take this thing and run hard and fast with it. But, as pervasive as that energy has been in the past, it’s interesting to see that that isn’t the driving force this time around. As much as part of me does not want to be patient right now, the other part of me knows that patience is necessary and welcomed. As much as I can get in my head and come up with scenarios and reasons for x, y, and z, I can clearly hear my soul telling me to wait and trust. I love how calm, confident, and coherent that voice is.

There is absolutely a chance that I could be misreading this entire thing. I recognize that as a possibility. But when I really sit with that, I don’t believe that to be the case. Now, more than ever, its important to trust myself and know that things will happen as they’re meant to. I think I’ve made my perspective pretty clear to him, and I feel like I understand his.

I think my feelings and energy around this process may be best focused on grounding myself, while also sending some energy to him to help him make the best decision for himself regarding this situation with the other person he’s been seeing. I want him to do what’s best for himself, without my influence or involvement. Even if it’s not meant to happen right now, I know that there is something significant and powerful here.

I find myself less fantasizing about him and more about the way I felt around him. Energetically there is something so nourishing and balancing and invigorating about him. I wonder how I would have handled all of this if we had started seeing each other 6 months ago. I think I’m grateful that this hasn’t turned into anything just yet. I like sitting with this energy.

But the more I talk about it with friends, the more nervous and less sure I become about what’s happening here. It’s uncomfortable to sit with this, but important nonetheless. I’ll certainly be disappointed if we don’t go on another date, but it is really nice to know that I’ll be okay if it doesn’t work out. At least now I know that to feel this sort of connection with someone is possible. This gives me a much better idea of what I really want. And if that’s what I take from this, then I can be happy about that.

Even though I REALLY want to see him again.

Just a lady (she/her) who thought she knew what she was doing, only to find she hadn’t even scratched the surface.