UGHHH

I feel like a hormonal, raging bitch this morning.

My lower body just fucking hurts.

I feel groggy and yet still like I need to get some energy out.

I have things I need to do but everything is making me angry today. I can’t believe how grumpy I feel. My willingness to do anything is at a negative integer. I am full of rage.

I’m afraid to be around people or allow myself to work on anything when I feel like this because I don’t want to infect or make anyone see me differently. There’s a distaste for myself right now. Which is weird because there’s a part of me that’s just enjoying letting it go. I feel much more honest this way. But honesty isn’t always productive. But then again, why does it need to be?

I feel like less than myself right now. Even though this is still actually me. I feel like I need to hurry up and get better, for my sake and the sake of others. I’m looking for an outlet, a way to get this energy out so I can move on. I’m afraid to sit with this for too long.

Out of all the options in my emotional range, anger is the one I allow myself to contact with the least. With sadness, it feels like I’m only hurting myself. But with anger, I can potentially hurt others and that scares me. I feel like I have to hide myself away until this phase passes. Even writing this now, I’m desperately hoping that I say the magic phrase or set of words that makes this all go away. But the flames still burn.

I feel angry with myself. I want to be better. I want to be a better person and do better things and make everyone around me better but then I don’t do those things and I get upset with myself. I am forever putting so much pressure on myself. I expect great things and don’t understand why I can’t put them into action. This is probably my biggest frustration with other people too. I know we could all do better for ourselves and each other but we don’t and that pisses me off. The answer is so simple. Just do the right thing. But to actually do it is very hard.

I feel pretty hopeless. Like what I’m doing doesn’t really matter, and that no one will listen. I hate thinking that the work I put into things won’t produce anything worthwhile. That’s like the biggest slap in the face for me. I feel very attached to outcomes right now.

This won’t last forever.