We can’t really help who we fall in love with, but we can make the choice to commit to them and doing whatever work is required for that. Which is what makes commitment so fucking scary — you’re promising to stick with that person and make it work no matter what. But how do you go into that and trust that the other person will hold up their end of the deal? This not only means committing to each other, but also promising to speak up and be honest when needs aren’t getting met and promising to hear the other person out when they feel like this. Like, what an absolutely fucking terrifying thing to do.

And yet, I have not seen one good reason why I can’t trust him. He continues to pick me and I literally have no frame of reference to handle this. Or maybe more accurately, I’ve never been able to accept someone doing this for me in the past, so I place myself in a position of victim hood over and over again. But here is someone who hears me and understands me and that I ultimately trust and with each time he shows that to me, I get more and more afraid to lose this connection. It’s scary how much I want this. He makes me so happy that I don’t know how to handle it, so I look for ways to prove why this happiness is fake or fleeting. It’s such a sad thing. Why wouldn’t I deserve this? Why can’t this be happening to me?

I want to tell him allll of this (well, not really, but he SHOULD know) but idk where to start. I don’t want to scare him away, or put too much on him at once. I have big fucking feelings that I’m terrified of. This is just like breathwork. How do I love and honor the person I am if I can’t advocate for her in a connection like this one. My needs are not a burden, and talking about this sort of stuff is the only way I can move past it. It’s okay to be me. And if being me is “too much” for someone then it’s a relationship I don’t need to be in anyway.

Just a lady (she/her) who thought she knew what she was doing, only to find she hadn’t even scratched the surface.