Here I am AGAIN. Getting tossed around in the undertow of my own emotions and patterns. It’s funny how this time of year always tends to REALLY stir my shit up. I feel like I always struggle so much more than I need to. It’s strange being very aware of the way I’m feeling and how I’m handling it, knowing it’s not the most efficient or productive way to go about it. Reading through my old posts made me miss the sound of my own writing voice. I’ve been journaling off and on in a physical journal, but there’s something about seeing it in type that feels both personal and exposed. At least with my somewhat illegible writing closed away in a leatherbound book somewhere, there’s some mystery and hiding. Here it’s all out in the open. *shudder*
I am yet again in a place where I need something new in my life. I miss the days where I spent most of my time diving into the deep depths of emotion and connection. The last two years I’ve been working in an environment that, while interesting and fast-paced, ultimately does not reward vulnerability and I’m constantly being surrounded by stress and negativity (and fun and connection too, I don’t want to disregard the relationships I’ve entered into in this place). But fuck, I come home every day just exhausted and overwhelmed. Feeling obligated to give so much of myself in an effort to not disappoint or make the jobs of people around me harder. I’ve been applying to WFH jobs to help get myself settled in a different work routine before we inevitably move, but everything out there either feels bland and annoying or way out of my capabilities. I have shot myself in the foot from a corporate standpoint moving jobs and industries so often. It’s so difficult to put all my qualifications on paper — I almost just wanna be like
“look, I’m fucking smart and adaptable and can handle just about any task you can throw at me — look at this wild ass resume! Just don’t be surprised when I leave in 2 years because I get burnt out or bored or decide yet again that I want to take a new direction in my life.”
It sucks that school has taken a temporary backseat while we wait and figure out what’s going on with Nick’s (and ultimately my) future. On one level, it’s frustrating that there is an uncontrollable entity in the equation (the U.S. Army) that is affecting how I can plan for the future. I am aware of what I’m getting myself into, and I know it’s 1000% worth it, but that is not stopping me from feeling stuck, seeing what my future COULD be and being unable to do much to move the needle right now is one hell of a test in patience. I have to remind myself that this is part of the process, the freedom and benefits that I’ll receive when we take these new steps are worth the struggle. But right now it just feels like struggle. Change is already unsettling, but WAITING for the change to happen when you know it’s coming is maddening. How do I be in the now when I know the future is going to be vastly different?
I just feel so overwhelmed with everything lately. Even small tasks are starting to pile up. I’m not even getting much satisfaction from doing little things when I muster up the energy to do them. I’m having a hard time focusing. A doctor might diagnose me with ADHD, but honestly it just feels like I’m experiencing escapism. Chasing a little rabbit to their rabbit holes, peeking in, and then immediately running to the new rabbit that’s making noise. Would medication help? Or am I suffering from something else entirely?