I’m less disappointed about the fact that I didn’t get this particular job and more disappointed with the fact that I have to stay at the one I’m with now.

But do I?

If I leave the ATA without finding another “real” job to replace it, I run the risk of having to scrounge for money to pay my bills, which is something I haven’t done in a very long time. It makes me incredibly nervous, because I have a lot more financial responsibilities now than I did when I was 23. But maybe what I’m really nervous about is the fact that I need to be more disciplined. I’ll have to completely rely on myself to figure things out and there’s a very real part of me that is worried I’ll fail. But at the same time I feel like it would be very good for me. I’ve been relying on stability for so long and it’s not making me happy like I thought it would. I mean I don’t even have to do much for the job I have now.

I don’t even have anything in particular that I’m running from at this point. And it’s so confusing and upsetting. Like logically I have no real reason to leave the ATA. From the outside it looks like a really foolish decision, to just jump ship for no apparent reason. But then again this is kind of the Zach thing all over again. Sure everything seemed fine and it was all “okay” but I know I can have better and more. I can’t ignore this deep ache within. It’s getting louder and louder over time. I’ve never done something like this before. Never just walked away from something without a surefire safety net. I mean, the fact that I feel so intensely that I should do this should tell me something. I’m so afraid to take this leap. And some of the reasons I’m afraid are pretty silly. I don’t want people to think I’m foolish or making a bad decision. But like, what does anyone else know? Can I take this gamble on myself? Do I trust myself to take care of things in a different way? I know I’m going to leave this job eventually, so why continue to make myself miserable when I know I can make things work for a little while. And who says I have to struggle forever? I always land on my feet. And I know that every time I do something like this for myself, something always comes by that leads me in a more fulfilling direction. I think the fact that this IS so hard and scary for me is important and meaningful and is where I can learn something. Growth is scary. Uncertainty is scary.

Do I keep playing this capitalistic game that I don’t believe in? What do I actually want?

Just a lady (she/her) who thought she knew what she was doing, only to find she hadn’t even scratched the surface.