I’m here. Right in the reality of my own creation.
I’m freaking out. I knew I would be. Recognizing it feels important and good. I feel myself falling into the idea of “how do I get out of this feeling” but I know better than that now. Time to just be in it and let it flow through. I knew I was going to be nervous about this. I feel myself starting to freeze again, unsure of how to make my next move. Its so hard to be brave when I feel like this, or to want to take any sort of action.
It’s weird though, I don’t really feel any regret about what I’ve done. There’s not really a part of me that’s like “fuck I should have stayed”. I mean, I could have, but ugh, what a boring and uninspiring move that would have been. That was never going to get better for me. I feel extremely confident about that. I’m experiencing a new (yet somewhat familiar) struggle now. It’s kinda weird how willingly I throw myself into situations like this. Like, I’m not ignorant, I know damn well how I respond to change and uncertainty, and yet here I go willingly putting myself through it. A part of me wonders if I’m a little unhinged lmao. But I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something big waiting for me on the other side of this. It’s like placing a fairly large bet with 1000–1 odds and for whatever reason feeling like it’s a sure thing. It makes me laugh but idk, I almost feel like I can’t lose when I do things like this. Like its so crazy it just might work.
I’m okay with feeling uncomfortable for a little bit. Hell, that’s like the entire point of breathwork right? I’m trying to remember to just stay open but of course there’s that part of me that wants to control and force things to be a certain way. How egotistical? Or, arrogant? Or maybe just human. It’s extremely hard to accept. Like, fully accept. It helps to just find humor in the entire fucking thing. I’m trusting my intuition here like FULLY. Just letting this lil bitch take the reins and do whatever she wants. Like, that’s fucking hysterical. To give up security, something that I’ve clung to for so long, to let my heart just do its damn thing is fucking FUNNY. I would have never have thought I’d be doing this five years ago. I’d be so fucking mad omg. Like “you threw all this that we had been working towards away for WHAT? A strong feeling??” I’d look 23 year old Sam dead in the eye and laugh and say, “fuck yeah I did”. Her head would explode.
I am uncomfortable and nervous, but I do feel freer. Like the chains are off. I’m going to need to adapt and be open to things but that’s never been that hard for me. And honestly I’ve made out of this thing like a bandit. I can’t believe I was able to keep both laptops I was given. I’m starting to accept that there is something distinct about me as a worker. I will dedicate myself to whatever it is I believe in. This bitch can commit. I just need to not lose myself in my work, just like I don’t need to lose myself in my relationships. I can commit to these things apart from myself while also honoring what I want and need. It is okay to be authentic, even if places where I dedicate myself. What an empowering feeling.
It’s okay to trust and just let things be. I don’t need to control or force anything. I’m naturally a hard worker, that’s never been the question. Just let go the need to control. Your energy is too precious to be wasted on that bbgirl.