Ya Malik Ya Malikal-Mulk

I would love to break this insecurity pattern I seem to carry in relationships.

It always ends up driving me to deny myself and my needs and who I really am. My awareness of it is at an all-time high now and something has got to give. I don’t think it’s any mistake that I’m in this thing with this particular person right now. Our similarities are a perfect mirror for me to re-evaluate myself and see what needs adjusting. I think that’s the beautiful thing about relationships, you don’t link up with people expecting them to fix or save you, you discover things about yourself through the connection. I think that’s where I’ve always messed up up until this point. If someone didn’t make me feel the way I wanted to feel, then THEY were the problem and clearly this isn’t going to work so I just need to separate myself and find someone who can fix me. Well, I kinda did that, expect the person who can fix me is, surprise, meeeeee. After FINALLY learning this, I feel like I have so much more power in this situation. It’s bizarre to look back at how I used to operate, like, why did I ever think that would work? But I guess that’s what conditioning and trauma and all that good stuff will do to you. I want to stay committed to myself and work on becoming more whole. And, I know I’ll make mistakes and fuck up, and that’s okay too, because that’s usually where the lesson lies. All I can expect of myself is to pay attention and try.

A silly thing, but something I’m glad I did, was express to Nick that I felt like I’m always the person to reach out and make plans. It’s something that’s bothered me for a bit — pressing on that wound that someone doesn’t ACTUALLY want to be around me, but is only doing it so as not to hurt my feelings. Lmao how vain, why do I always think everything is about me??? But I’m glad I said something in an authentic and non-confrontational way, and it was received well. I really do appreciate how self-aware he is. It makes this whole thing a lot easier.

I’ll be perfectly honest, I have no idea where this thing is going to go. Naturally, my mind is always planning for the future (which causes its own problems) but I’m actually really good with just taking this day by day. I need to remind myself this when I start to get ahead of myself. It’s funny, for someone who hates planning because it NEVER pans out the way I think it’s going to, I am forever trying to predict the future. I know why I do this, I’m afraid of wasting my time, or making a mistake. But like, if I stay in the moment and pay attention and enjoy and appreciate and learn, how could I be doing either??? I just can’t forget about myself. That’s the most important thing here.

I’ll be okay. I always am.