Ya Matin

I just did my daily practice of Ya Matin and omg, it felt so good. I feel this huge surge of energy through my heart and I feel like all this love is just pouring out of me. It’s almost uncomfortable how much I’m feeling right now, like it’s almost too intense? Maybe the discomfort is the fear that it’ll go away? Or that I won’t always feel like this. I need to learn how to be okay with and accept the ebb and flow. I don’t expect to always be in this state, but I’m always so grateful when it arrives. I’m looking forward to this discipline that I feel like I’ve needed for so long. Every time I do something that’ll benefit me in the future, I feel this surge of love for myself, the satisfaction of having a box checked and it makes me want to keep going.

I had been feeling uneasy the last couple of days because of all these feelings coming up around this thing I have going on with Nick. If I let myself, I can just let this strong emotional pull take me with it, like Zeke without a choke collar on going after a squirrel. I felt this pulling and admittedly it scared me. I do not want to keep losing myself in these guys I get involved with. I’m grateful for the awareness and the capacity to love myself enough to keep at least one foot on the ground. I recognize that this struggle is far from over, but at the same time I trust myself enough to keep an eye on things. At the very least, I’m doing much better than I have before. I won’t get to see him for the next two weeks, which creates longing but at the same time I’m also grateful for the space. It feels like both a test, yet also a reprieve and an opportunity for me to channel my energy toward myself and the things that I need to work on. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that he and I went out on our first date right before this new module began, or that the theme of this module is discipline, consistency, exploring ourselves through our practices. I feel more organized around this work than I ever have. The structure makes me feel much more at ease, less chaotic. Very appealing to my Capricorn moon.

For whatever reason, I can’t seem to shake this Ben thing. It’s not enough to let the energy to take over or affect my decisions (at least I don’t think it is) but it keeps coming up and I want to ask myself why. My first thought is that I want to believe that there’s some greater thing at play here, like we’re “destined” to be together at some point. I think I only feel this way because the energetic connection between us was so strong. But what if I’m misinterpreting that? Or just making up some story in my head, that feels more accurate. It’s very possible that I’m projecting a lot of these really positive qualities onto him, when really maybe those are the qualities that I love about myself? Truthfully I don’t know a ton about him, even though we had a lot of great conversation that I felt very engaged in. I would like to release this energy because I feel like I don’t want to be attached to it anymore. Or maybe I feel like I shouldn’t be attached to it anymore. No, I don’t want to be attached to it anymore. It doesn’t feel like it’s serving me.

I am not looking forward to talking to Will later. I don’t think I want to admit to myself that I’m not really interested in having him be a part of my life anymore. Like, I don’t dislike him or hate him or anything like that, and I’m always happy to hear and see when he’s doing well and exploring and embracing the parts of himself that I know he’s been working on, but I don’t feel drawn to be that involved with him anymore, at least not spending time with him. I think I’ve associated that feeling with guilt, almost like I’m entitled to keep being in his life because I feel some sort of responsibility towards him? I think I’m afraid I overstepped my bounds and used too much of my power with him. And now that I want to pull back, energetically he is frantically playing tug-of-war with it. I think I just need to be honest and say that this is the type of relationship I want with him.